And so it begins…
September ‘25: The Gate of Wisdom
Edition 00
Welcome to The Threshold.
This is my first step towards the edge.
And I guess there is no way to begin, but just to begin…
These first weeks may be a bit wordy, so bear with. If you have read the “About” page you'll know I have structured myself to a monthly exploration at the threshold of a theme, or a Gate, and each week of that month I will remain in that theme.(Structure always helps me feel safe, and I am sure I will share more on that in the time to come… But for now…)
As the fall season is approaching here in in the northern hemisphere… back to school is the vibe in our neighborhood, harvest is happening on my brother in law’s farm, the light is shifting….Transformation and change is ever present.
I am starting this month, and in a way this whole journey, at the threshold of Wisdom.
Not with the desire to obtain it… rather,
To remember that only over time and only with repetition those things that once eluded me are now known…..
To remember that those things that I have come to “know” do eventually drop from my head to my heart to become part of my bones, my being.
Also remembering that over time and with repetition I will also forget. The thought ”How did I get here again?” Is bound to happen. Trusting that if it is “for me” such learnings will reappear if I miss them the first time. If they are not, then I perhaps i can lighten my grip of control and surrender into the “not knowing”.
Knowing all the things will not keep me safe.
The Knowing is not where wisdom lives.
I heard someone say once, “I just want all the money, so I don’t need you and I don't need god”. Ooof yes, self sufficiency and security get twisted inside me… and I also feel that way with information or experience.I just want to know all the things so I won’t need you and I won’t need to experience the pains of life.
But if I look deep down inside I actually want to connect with you, I WANT the need to experience life, all of it.
It is that push and pull that ignites my heart. (I’m fearful —- I’m curious)
It is that push and pull that reminds me I am capable and surprise is possible. (I don’t know —- I don’t have to know)
That there is an intuition inside me and a community outside of me to bridge those gaps.
In reality, it is actually precious to forget so I may remember.
The year was 2014 (I hear Sophia from the Golden Girls in my ears). I was starting to plan my move to Los Angeles from Omaha, Nebraska.
I found myself on a porch with a dear friend, I was open about some of my fears and insecurities. I was excited, I was ready… but also, how am I going to make friends? How can I leave my community that I adored? Am I delusional with wanting to step into an industry where my dress size or my age feels like a strike against me? …Basically, will I belong? I just let her hear all of the bits swirling in my head good and bad.
This dear friend was someone I loved and someone I worked with creatively. She had directed me in a few conventional theater productions but she also opened me up to more devised and experimental pathways of performance, most importantly she introduced me to Anne Bogart’s View Points.
She had seen me lit up from the inside, and knew what freedom looked like in me… she had been with me in moments of absolute joy for joy sake. And instead of reassuring me that I was amazing (as a friend would do), instead of giving me lectures about managing my expectation (like I was expecting her to do), She asked me about the shapes of my insecurities, Like, if I sat with those feelings and thoughts, what actual shapes do they take in my body?
“Squares. I feel squares… like a brick house.hard corners. I feel wide and dense, not just physically but filled with expectation and doubt… just Squares. Edges. Hardness. Opaque.”
She suggested that I sit in those shapes, move with those shapes, exaggerate those shapes and maybe find a “gesture bank” that would compliment or challenge these intrusive thoughts. She asked me to find shapes that would soften those lines so I remembered that curves lived within me too.
She didn't try to fix my thinking, she invited me to play.
Some of my most favorite teachers do not hit the problem straight on with a solution.They invite in the art of play, the curiosity and wonder around what the thoughts represent so I may navigate my own path.
The wisdom that trickled in that day was not intended to help me jump from “I don't know what is going to happen” to “I know what is going to happen”. Instead I was invited to stay with the not knowing and see how that felt in my body. This small act resourced me beyond the need of certainty and instead created a new relationship with discomfort and confusion.
For me the wisdom was not in my mind, it was in my body. It was not in the answer, it was in the questioning.
One thing I love about somatic work (Somatic simply means “relating to the body”) is that it does not require me to explain myself. I don’t have to analyze the how, the where or the why of something. I get to explore it in pure expression.
I am a dancer, I am a mover, I love to play with space and rhythm as a form of expression. Now, I realize not everyone is drawn to this, but what I have found in these practices, is the less I feel I need to explain the “why” the more allow my self to be honest with what is. The easier it is for me to discern some of the surface feelings so I can actually be resourced for what does need my attention.
The more I allow myself to be honest with what is, the more trust I build in the relationship between what I feel and what is happening in reality.
So this anxiety is right underneath my chest? I have a chance to see it as interesting to invite in curiosity.
Because no matter how I try to avoid it, feelings will take shape within me, with or without my participation. I can repress it, project it or I can allow it to be right sized. Play has had a wonderful effect in right-sizing things that feel too big for me to comprehend, or sometimes too small for me to properly identify.
If I let that shape transform into a gesture, I turn it into a physical metaphor for the parts of life that no words can describe. I may just release a little of that physical tension and have a greater chance of moving through it without abandoning myself or the moment. I may even get an opportunity to laugh at myself or bring in some levity where my ego says “no, no, we must be serious about this. Serious = important.”
A note that these practices are not meant to fix or solve anything…
there is not even an expectation for you try them, there is no “right or wrong” here.
I am simply sharing some things that have helped me turn levity into insight; helped me move from stuck to unstuck.
- Curiosity-
Curiosity is such an antidote for the freeze that comes upon me when I just don’t know what is next.
Can I surrender my need for “answers” or “to be right”, and instead show up with interest and curiosity? Can I soften my fear around something threatening my ego’s sense of safety long enough to maybe be shown a new path forward? Can I get comfortable living in the question of things, or must I have resolution to be satisfied? Do I need to wait for certainty to take a step forward? Or is there a situation where I can practice taking a step without knowing where that foot will land and build trust that I will know what to do from there?
- Week 1 -
So for this week’s practice, we are going to explore the gift that my friend gave me on that porch. We are going to harness curiosity to create enough space in-between “what I THINK I know is going to happen” and “what is possible”. I will be calling on some of the elements explored in Anne Bogart’s ViewPoints…. I will continue to speak more to her work later… here we go:
We are going to start by just give shape to the place or places that may be preventing me from being okay with living in “the question”. Those places that keep me from accessing the wisdom I possess and chip away at the energy I have to be in this present moment.
🗝️ So take a moment, and think about a hurdle in your life, something that if you just “were better”, or if you “had more time” or if someone “just gave you the chance” you just KNOW that everything would work out.
It can be as simple as, If I could just get that person to call me back. It could be a little more weighted like “ How am I am going to cover next month’s rent.”
Both can have legitimate worry attached, I’m not suggesting not to take care of yourself… but if the residual feelings or thoughts around these hurdles are not supporting you in moving forward, then I like to declutter my mind a bit, so I am using my energy wisely.
So whatever thought you want to start with, but just make sure it means something to you… and that you are not taking on a thought or a hurdle that you cannot handle approaching. No need to prove something to yourself by taking on too big of a bite from your plate. This is about play, this is about expression.
🗝️ You've got the thought. It could possibly be bringing up feelings that surround the thought. Now just give it a shape. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to make sense.
Maybe I just cover my eyes with my hands, and curl over because I feel defeated.
Maybe I punch an arm out in front of me cause I’m filled with a bit of anger.
Just hold it. Be curious with it.
How does my arm feel? What are my legs doing? Am I breathing or am I holding my breath?
Let go of the shape and just go back to standing or sitting…. And then bring it back up… keep letting go and re-shaping until you feel like you know this shape, lets call this version the original version.
🗝️ You’re going to give it a “Before” and an “After”.
So if my shape is my hands covering my eyes, and I am hunched over… the before could be as simple as me sweeping my hands up to meet my face, and my head bowing down.
The After could be as simple as me sinking down a little further, or as wild as me swiping my face with my hands and shaking them towards the earth as if I am wiping something from my face. (Wild, I know:) use your own imagination.
To break it down there are three parts: Movement just before shape - move through the shape - and then let the shape resolve.
This, my friends, is a gesture… a shape that moves. (We will tuck this in a “gesture bank” to build on as we go… but congratulations you have just submitted your first deposit:)
🗝️ Now for the last bit, we are just going to play with a bit of “volume”. What I mean by that is, we are going to take that same gesture and I want you to play with making it a bigger and smaller….Take it up and down the scale:
Up— What would this shape look like if you put your whole effort behind it?
Down — How could you make this shape in the middle of a supermarket and still look like you were a “normal person”. (what even is normal?)
How does this feel? Were you able to allow yourself to invest in the movement and divest from the thought? Did you need to turn on music to give yourself permission to maybe make it bigger than a causal movement? Did you gravitate towards a mirror to see what this shape looked like on you?
Oh to express a feeling without words, without thought, without needing to be understood. Congratulations. That in and of itself is a gift.
May you get to know this shape. May you make friends with this shape, may you learn to not be afraid of this shape and realize it is one of multitudes that lives within you.
If we are starting at the beginning, and if the gate I want to cross is wisdom, Then it is crucual to have an awareness of “what is”. I first have to have a relationship with myself as I am, before I would be able to even begin to prescribe where I would want to go from here.
Maybe the next time this thought or hurdle drops in, you choose to take that shape (in whatever volume that calls to you) … maybe a little lightness swoops in with that somatic reminder so you can be present in the moment you are actually in.
